Overcoming & Accepting Abandonment
Do you share everything with your partner? I mean, everything. Do you have to share everything to be in a good relationship? That answer is different for everyone because everyone’s relationship is different right? Some couples think it is okay to have white lies and to only tell their partner certain information if they ‘need to know’. I have been in those types of relationships. I do think the more open and honest you are with your partner the better you are able to communicate. Agree to disagree. I have finally found someone who wants me to be open about my past and it is so hard for me to do that. I have been hiding trauma from my childhood since I was a kid, that is until last weekend when I had a breakdown with Tommy. I flipped on him over the smallest thing. I have been open with almost all of my previous boyfriends about my childhood, but I’ve never gone into details about why and how it affects me as an adult. I thought I could move past all of this if I kept it all to myself and a few close friends.
I now realize that I am triggered by certain things because of my past. I struggle big time with abandonment issues. My dad was an addict and eventually committed suicide. I find that I am constantly making myself forgive him. It wasn’t his fault, but is that statement even fair to say? He did have a choice and I am the one who has to live with the choices he made. I remind myself daily, especially knowing that I am an enneagram type 1, which means I aim to be a perfectionist, independent person wanting to do the right thing.
My brain works like this, if I do everything perfect that person will stay, if I depend on someone else they will let me down or worse yet I will fail them. I am now learning that it goes back to having my dad walk out on his family. Who else can relate? I know the statistics are higher than I’d imagined. Parents and spouses just get to decide when they get to quit? GUESS WHAT! You don’t get to quit! You are a parent, you made a decision and one that you shouldn’t be able to quit. Divorce is a different topic and I do believe couples need not last forever. People grow apart and if that’s the case then by no means should you continue to be together because it’s the children who suffer. BUT you absolutely do not get to decide to not be a parent anymore. I struggled as a child and I continue to struggle as an adult.
I continue to ask myself, did my dad not want me, why didn’t he love me enough to stay, what did I do wrong to make him leave me, why wasn’t I good enough for him! Anyone reading this who has had a parent abandon them or knows someone who has gone through a similar experience has asked the same questions. I’ve always pushed men away or would commit to them from a distance, never actually letting anyone fully into my heart. I think deep down I believed they wouldn’t stay. I mean if my own father didn’t love me enough to stay why would another man!
Well, I was going to say I’ve met a man who proved me wrong and I have but before I dive into that topic, I’d like to share the man who came into my life and made me believe in the power of prayer. He made me the happiest, most loved child. He raised me to know what an actual father is supposed to do for his children. My past has deeply hurt me. I hurt for what my mother had to go through. However, I had the most amazing life because of my stepfather and I was able to learn what an actual marriage is supposed to be. Well, not just a marriage but an exceptional marriage. A marriage made of love. I am strong because of my past but my past has taught me that ALL MEN are NOT bad! Yes, bad people exist, but being a scared little child who was afraid of being hurt and abandoned will not help you find love.
Love, in my opinion, is being able to trust that person wholeheartedly, knowing they love you enough to work with you every single bad day. Good days are easy but the bad days are when you find out who truly loves you. Remember when I said I found someone earlier who proved me wrong? I found a partner that has given me hope and reassures me every single day that I am able to be loved and that I am deserving of his love. Want to know the kicker of it all? He thinks I am the most amazing woman on this planet. Crazy right! Don’t let your past define you, keep believing in your purpose and listen to your inner self. We are all worthy of receiving love. We are all worthy of giving love. I hope if you can relate to this that you are as thankful as I am. Seventeen years ago, God put the right father into my life.